The battle for Best Burger in Austin has long been fought half-heartedly among these dark, divey joints where the grease and alcoholic sweat form an unmistakably American terroir. Think these guys give a hoot about Kennebec potatoes and biodegradable utensils? You need only scan the bar’s shelves to read between the lines. Well liquors, canned juices, and mundane beers have been and perhaps always will be the philosophy here. So it’s not surprising that burger aficionados have slightly varying opinions on the stuff coming out of the back window: Consistency? Does anything about the sticky floor and Misfits décor suggest anyone here gives a crap?

To that end, prepare to wait up to half an hour for your burger around rushes (late nights and weekends), and know what you want and don’t ask silly questions about grass-fed this and hand-formed that (no and yes). Do ask for it medium-rare—it often comes as ordered. It’s a thick, juicy patty whose seasoning is still unparalleled by the newer, more studied ventures. Purists will enjoy a bacon-and-cheddar “Chicago Burger” more than a “Buffalo Burger,” whose excellent hot-wing sauce and blue cheese obliterates everything. The high stacks are hard to eat, but oh so worth the mess.

Dogs are fine; gross, oily chili fries are better when you’re blitzed—but the burger’s killer, no matter your sobriety level.