This chain Italian-American restaurant with its tentacles everywhere seems to embody everything that is soulless and wrong with the restaurant business: mass production of family-style food, prioritizing volume over quality, without doing justice to any culinary tradition—not even to the Italian-American one.

Mass-reproduced posters, faux-Old-World memorabilia, and everything else fake-Italian is flaunted at this cluttered mess of a restaurant that pretends to highlight the cuisine of Italy. Buca di Beppo will have your Italian grandmother rolling over in her grave to think that her descendants might be experiencing this as somehow Italian. She’d also be appalled by the behavior of the kids—with all the running, jumping, and screaming, Buca di Beppo can look like a daycare center where the supervisor forgot to show up. Hardly a date spot, this.

The menu is like a roll call of so-called “Italian” dishes that were actually invented in America: chicken parmigiana, fettuccine alfredo, stuffed shells, and so on. We call this cuisine “Italian-American 1.0.” Granted, Little Italy apologists might argue that Italian-American 1.0 is an authentic cuisine in its own right. But what would they say about Buca’s attempt to look creative, too, by throwing together ill-executed dishes that cluelessly amalgamate trendy ingredients, like apple-and-Gorgonzola salad or grilled polenta with Gorgonzola and walnut spread? We’re not sure if that’s Italian-American 2.0, but we are sure it’s gross.

The large portions at Buca are meant to be served family-style; this is one of the chain’s gimmicks, a nod to gluttonous American eating habits. But even a glutton wouldn’t want this much bad food. Lasagne tastes reheated, its tomato sauce strangely minerally, lingering in the back of your mouth for the duration of the meal. Gnocchi are too dense, and spaghetti comes spectacularly overcooked, although fist-sized meatballs are actually tasty and surprisingly flavorful. Chicken parmigiana (also available in individual portions) is the dark-horse winner here. It’s everything you want it to be: flavorful, cheesy, and delicious. For once, poultry comes through!

If you must swallow your pride and eat this food in these portions, our advice is to starve yourself for at least two days beforehand. As Cervantes once said, hunger is the best sauce.

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