Ok boys and girls, here’s a story for you: once upon a time, a little Szechuanese restaurant called Seven Stars Pepper opened up in the International District of Seattle. Foodies flocked, extolling the flakiness of their green onion pancakes, the savory, handmade dandan noodles. Then, the chef left. Some in-the-know foodies wrung their hands, but the departure was a quiet one. People continued to flock to a restaurant that sputtered along and coasted on its former reputation.

The problem was that classic ingredients like Chinese bacon were replaced with inferior ones like flabby Oscar Meyer-esque bacon, and pricier leeks were switched out for…celery. The hand-made noodles are still hand-made, a fact that has been seized upon by too much of the food media as a justification for undue reverence. Psst, here’s the straight talk: the noodles are overcooked and swimming in a watery broth that looks as appetizing as, well, the after-effects of a meal at Seven Stars Pepper. And the inside is nothing special—just a bare-bones classic Chinese eatery with a whiteboard for specials written in Chinese and a tiled floor that’s seen better days.

Steer clear. The princess did, and she ended up living happily ever after with Prince Charming, their 2.5 kids, a white picket fence, and a faithful droopy-eyed hound named Buster. The end.