There are three subjects you are never supposed to bring up in polite conversation: religion, politics, and pizza. Not only does it invite bad blood, but you’ll have as much success bringing others into your camp as you would single-handedly forging peace between all nations.

Although pizza’s epicenter is understood to be Naples, everyone everywhere has their own style, from dough to toppings, to firing method. Pizza is no stranger to loose interpretations, and each version has its own rabid defenders of the faith.

Our panel is split on the subject of deep-dish pizza. Some of us adore it, having grown up on sweetish, buttery crusts that set off the ingredients in a totally comforting, indulgent way. Others call it weighty and unpleasant. Either way, it’s really not very healthy; it’s basically a casserole with fried edges. It’s meant to be eaten in the depths of Chicago, where the excess of cholesterol will protect your organs from subzero winds.

Regardless of whether you’re a believer or not, Dove Vivi’s rendition of this cornmeal-crust pizza is not nearly as inspiring as it could be. The crust is blonde and bubbly, but vapid. Although the list of available ingredients is impressive (some of them gourmet items like golden chanterelle mushrooms in brandy-shallot-jalapeño sauce—whew!), most of these, especially the vegetables, are mere phantoms of flavor that would benefit from heavier seasoning. Sausage is actually really good, but you kind of want to just peel it off the incoherent pie and eat it separately. We get the feeling this place is less holy temple of pizza and more card-table Tarot reader. We’ve had better.

Cheers to this place for being so Portland—there are one or two local beers on tap, even. It is, however, kind of irritating that you have to wait with no bar in order to hang out at such a casual spot, although you can nurse a beer and pass the time outside. Inside, it feels like a hip, urban cafeteria with perfunctory table service and a mess-hall bustle. Outdoor tables are essentially in a parking lot illuminated by a heart-shaped sign that no doubt draws the cold and thin—those looking for gooey, golden acceptance.