Some basic burger arithmetic:

Problem: Burger > mouth = irritation + mess

Solution: Bernie’s burgers, while substantial, are a manageable size and not super drippy.

Problem: “Medium-rare” = “Medium-well” (FALSE)

Solution: Char-tasting burgers are actually cooked to order.

Problem: Mobile food = impossible to grid

Solution: You can depend on two locations: Lizzard’s Pub (Wed-Fri nights, on whose patio you can enjoy a dive-bar beer), and Inversion Coffeehouse at lunchtime (Mon and Wed). Check the website or Twitter (@berniesburgers) for other appearances.

Problem: French fries + 10 minutes = suck

Solution: Bernie’s actually stand up to time, and homemade ketchup + chipotle aïoli = awesomeness.

Problem: Mayo + mustard + ketchup + pickle + thin-sliced onions + lettuce + slow-roasted garlic tomatoes = “The Principal”

Solution: Actually, not a problem at all.

Problem: 2(Applewood smoked bacon grilled-cheese sandwich) + 2(patty) + Texas cheddar + caramelized onions = “Detention,” or HEART ATTACK.

Solution: None. But what a way to go.