You will never encounter The Lord’s Kitchen by accident; it’s located just off the freeway, sorta close to Ft. Sam, right across the railroad tracks…and it’s a destination that many people have long made their own tracks to. Frankly, it’s a dump, but an endearing one with ultra-eclectic “décor” and a family-run feel. Signs inside warn of monitoring by surveillance cameras and, as if that weren’t enough, another proclaims “Get down. Have a nice day. The Lord’s watching!” How much safer could you be?

It’s yourself you have to worry about, in fact. Burgers, which are the restaurant’s mainstay, range from a half-pounder through the increasingly hefty “Lord’s Burger,” the “Get Down Burger,” and the “Hurt You Burger,” to the three-pound “Now That’s a Burger.” Yes, there are witnesses to the consumption of same. We find the base jalapeño cheeseburger, loaded with a slice of American and all the expected accoutrements (you add your own chilies), to be hard enough to finish as it is—but appreciate the roughly-formed patty, the balance of ingredients and a bun that would hold up to the end. If you ever got to the end.

Fries arrive glistening with grease, but they are sinfully tasty. There’s no temptation whatsoever to order chili again (purist alert: it contains beans); it has no special qualities, though it might not be unwelcome atop a quarter-pound chili dog. The grilled bean and cheese sandwich is unique in town. We leave this one to you.