Ruggles Green is a Green Certified Restaurant, meaning they’ve met the minimum requirements set out by the non-profit Green Restaurant Association in energy and water conservation, sustainable food sourcing, anti-pollution, and recycling, among others. But how will they measure up to Fearless Critic standards for a Greatness Certification? Let’s see:

5 points for conservation by making Upper Kirby’s parking lot miniscule.

20 points off for environmental damages incurred by making people have to drive an extra 15 minutes to find parking in a neighborhood littered with “No Parking” signs.

20 points for adding a second location, thus spreading the green message.

15 points off for exceeding salad-dressing-conservation maximums.

5 points for preserving and protecting the flavor of wild salmon in a salad by somehow not overwhelming it, even with chipotle-honey sauce.

10 points off for failing to make aforementioned salad worth $15.

5 points for using sustainable, healthy quinoa in mac and cheese.

15 more points for making this actually taste good.

500 points off for wasting paper on a menu of sandwiches, pizzas, and pastas that are nothing more than passable.

50 points for a wine list of biodynamic, organic wines.

100 points off for selecting the worst of the world’s organic and biodynamic wines, and upcharging them to the point that people will never ask for organic/biodynamic wines, because they’ll assume they’re always this expensive.

300 points for an extensive and reasonably well-executed dessert menu.

1,000,000 points off for producing yet another restaurant full of boring, bland food.

Total points: -1,000,245.

Sorry, Ruggles. You may be Green, but you’re just not Great.