Rattan Asian Bistro is a sibling of Sinh Sinh, but by no means its twin. For one thing, the décor is all safety and no style; it sports the southwestern color scheme laid out in squares that was the hallmark of ’90s suburban chic. Smooth, birch-colored everything screams restaurant catalogue—it looks like an upscale fast food chain. The menu delivers the same message, in an equally loud tambor; an avaricious mix of Thai, Vietnamese, and Chinese with a sushi bar thrown in (the accountant’s idea, perhaps?) to make sure you understand that Rattan isn’t discriminatory when it comes to manufacturing mediocre food from any part of Southeast Asia at a steep markup.

The slapdash menu starts with a dizzying array of appetizers from satay to potstickers. The former, at $12.95, is ridiculously overpriced for three tiny skewers and their bottled-tasting peanut sauce. The potstickers and wonton soup are reminiscent of the bland fare found at mall food courts. From salty, goopy orange beef to saucy, icky pad Thai, Southeast Asia takes hit after hit, like from a cruel and unrelenting tsunami of suburban dullness.

Rolls include the no-talent-necessary standards like spider and California, but even these are incompetent: while fresh snow crab is a nice change from the more common processed “krab” product, it gets lots amid ungainly chunks of cucumber and avocado; fried soft-shell crab is greasy and unappetizing. There is definitely nothing special about any of cream-cheesy “specialty rolls” except how spectacularly bad they are. The limited nigiri menu just further proves the lack of passion and care here.

But where Rattan the bistro fails, Rattan the wine bar and retailer shows more promise. Forty bottles are kept in the pricey, state-of-the-art Enomatic Wine System, preserving them while allowing the curious to try 2-4-oz. pours of wines that would otherwise be ruined if sold by the glass, and you can see for yourself if these wines are really worth their price without breaking the bank on a whole bottle. The wine list does feature some of the correct varietals for this cuisine, but some terrible ones, too; in either case, the producers aren’t that great. A short sake list ranges haphazardly from the terrible to the palatable to the sublime.

Rattan sums up its focus nicely by crowing about having a first-growth Bordeaux; we can’t think of anything more ill-suited for the floral, spicy, and intricate flavors of Southeast Asian cuisine. Fortunately, Rattan doesn’t have any of those.

I hope people reading this search other restaurant review sites before they make up their mind. If you skip Rattan based on this trite review you are truly missing out.

Rattan Lover - 2009-10-14 21:04

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